17 July 2012

When open the door of the meeting room, already found that professor was sitting there in front of my TAs . Today, none of us scolded by professor , honestly , i did not even worry about this.  Sometimes , i do not understand what he asked, is like a completely new question to me , so blurred. What i think is they including Tracy having high expectation on my and justin , like we should be a smart student. But i am completely stupid in doing this UROP project. Actually the reason made me feel depressed is during at the end of the meeting. This is also my secret , my weakness , the things i will never tell anyone include my friends, the things that i always want to run away from it , the things that i don't want to face it. When i face this problem, i always want to run away from it , i must have a huge positive thinking towards this problem, otherwise, i will turn down my life easily. This is the feeling that i really hate it and dislike it very much. Still the same, what is the purpose for me to stay with my whole life?? Money or happiness or satisfied or marriage ??? Without money, many things can't be achieved , that will only make me unhappy. I don't want to have this kind of prevalent thought but i just can't make it . I believe i can find something i really like , things that satisfy my desire, doing something that i am happy in one day.

When calculating the MIC value, Justin showed up annoying expression, he said he really hate doing these things. Tracy asked him : why do you want to apply UROP ? Justin : erm....hehe, i just want to earn money. Tracy: You should not be like this, you have to do the things that you like . It really doesn't make sense forcing yourself doing the things that you don't like and only earn money. Justin: ..... . After several minutes, Tracy : why do you want to choose engineering , Justin : actually i want to choose risk management, but the requirement is too high, i don't achieve the requirement , and i don't have a specific preference in engineering stream . Tracy ; why ? It is more difficult to get into engineering school . Later......   I was sitting beside him , and i was so quiet and i felt embarrassed for doing the UROP because only for earning money. I had just discussed with justin about the purpose for doing UROp during lunch time. Both of us have same thought, we would not do the research like this anymore, because it isn't the things we like . I had told justin in the beginning of doing UROP, i will not go toward the direction of research. This is why even i am earning money , but doing the things that i don't like very much , doing the thing i am not satisfied, then i will not be very happy. Even i am sure that i have the ability to complete the task without failing it no matter i like it or not , but the problem still remained . 

After stepping out from the lab, went into the giant lift. Something funny things happen , and it did relieve my stress a little. Two guys went outside of the lift wrongly because they thought that it was already in first floor. Both of the guys did not know each other , they was standing opposite of each other. They just walked out together when reach second floor, their expression was so funny because of the same reaction. When they came back inside, justin was laughing with the head facing down. Actually , i was so calm , but when i seen him like this. I kept laughing and laughing , but i really want to stop , just could not stop laughing with looking at them ( one was my TA) . After reaching first floor,  they just rushed out. I still couldn't  stop laughing even Teddy was just in front me . I laughed until i could not talk to him. Laugh until i reach the escalator . Justin told me we were so bad, he told me one of his experience in Poly U: when he and his friend were walking up the stairs , somebody just fall down , both of them laugh together at the same time. His describing and my imagination just make me couldn't  stop laughing until i reaching my room . 

The better solution of sweeping away all the unhappy things is doing sport (gym) . So when i came to gym , i just keep doing , i was unwilling to talk so much , i just want to sweat and sweat . And it helped me a little bit.

I don't know how will tracy look at us , because we are doing UROP due to the awards. For me, apart from earning money, i just want to experience it because i do not know what's researchers do , so i want to have a taste of it. I also hope to get some experience from here. Fact has been proved that , i don't like research , but i must complete it , because it should have ending point with starting point.

Is that the rule/policy of growing up ???? Why always only the unhappy things , extreme problems ,huge difficulty make people become mature, independent and have a sense of responsibility. Undeniably, i feel like all of us still very young , like a children , so childish .